Are you tired of being dragged from one hot pot dinner to the next?  Forced to toast a bunch of inbred Chinese folk whom you don’t know?  Gag on some animal organs that taste like they’ve been prepared in toilet water?  Well, there’s good news!  You don’t need to sit through another boring episode of watching Chinese people get more and more uncivilized with every shot of nasty baijiu, while fielding the same boring questions like, “Where are you from?”  or “Do you like China?”  All you need to do is follow these simple tips to ensure that no one will ever invite you to another hot pot dinner again.  Listen carefully, and take notes if you need to. 

If you want to ensure getting out of your next 2 hour lunch, then these steps are bound to shock even the most uncouth host.  First, you must set a precedent by establishing what you think of your Chinese host’s country.  So, you need the right outfit.  I found that my T-shirt that says, “You can go, but your women can stay” works best.  But, it’s important that you wear a jacket or something over it at first, otherwise they won’t let you in the door.  Only take the jacket off after everyone has established their seats.  If you can’t bring yourself to be this blunt, then I recommend downing a small bottle of Er Gu Tou beforehand.  It helps loosen up that faggot in your brain that tells you you need to be polite.  In a country that’s not polite to begin with and with countrymen who are drinking on top of that, you need to really shoot for the stars on this one in order to truly offend. 

Now, at every Chinese meal, you discuss what you’ll drink before actually eating, so make sure to order the hard stuff to keep your nerves of steel  from softening and your confidence (a.k.a. arrogance) in overdrive.  Cigarettes are not your enemy, they are your best weapon against establishing long-lasting guanxi.  When anyone offers you a smoke, gladly accept it, but then stuff it into your own empty box of cigarettes.  It would be better if you had an additional box of new cigarettes that you then remove from your pocket, open and smoke in front of the person who just handed you a cigarette.  Don’t be bashful about accepting cigarettes!  Actually, asking to “bum a smoke” is okay.  Now, this is important.  When you have finished your cigarette, don’t simply toss it on the floor or put it out by scraping it against the wall.  That’s too common!  Remember you need to out-do your Chinese hosts.  Instead, I prefer using the host’s glass of baijiu as my ashtray.  Beware.  You can’t overtly discard your cigarette into their glass of baijiu while maintaining eye contact.  This will prematurely end your dinner and possibly end up costing you a trip to the emergency room because of some silly misunderstanding.  Instead, be a little more vigilant and do it after he’s drank and slurring words into his buddy’s ear while attempting to toast you simultaneously.  If you’re lucky, you’ll get him to gulp down the ashy concoction before noticing the “floaties.”   

Toasting is the caveman’s, I mean Chinese way to get drunk.  So, simply omit it.  It’s your time to shine, don’t let them dictate when and where you’ll take a swig.   When they toast you, it’s just a bonus round.  It’s important to down the entire glass of baijiu sitting in front of you, so you’ll have an excuse when drinking the glass next to yours as well.  In order to ensure that no one controls when you drink, you need to bark at the waitress to come over.  Cigarette in hand, take a long puff and in a smoke-filled sentence, order another bottle or round of whatever you’re drinking.  Then, usher her away by lightly smacking her buttocks.  Don’t limit your offense to just the waitress though.  Do it open and notoriously.  As the waitress is bringing you the next round, you should pardon yourself from the table and approach the cashier.  You need to double your order, but only allow your host to see one bottle.  The other bottle goes into your pocket for later.  Use this time to use the restroom.

Upon reentering the dining hall, but before returning to your seat, grab the circular table with all the food on it and give it a good spin!  Just for good luck. 

Back at your seat, you may or may not be given a little red envelope with money in it.  If you haven’t received an envelope, then you probably won’t get one.  If someone does hand you one, then immediately open it, pull the money out and laugh a little with disbelief.

By this time, your host and adjoining company will probably want to end the dinner with one final toast, where everyone downs the last of their drink and heads for the door.  This is your last opportunity to make a lasting impression and ensure that you’ll never have to do it again.  So, you should swat the glass out of the hands of the host as he presses it to his lips. 

I didn’t mention this before, but you’ll need to bring enough money for a cab home.  Again, if you follow these tips, then you’ll never need to attend one of those boring Chinese dinners again.  I’d love to hear from you, so please write back about your experiences.