Twice in the past few days, I've witnessed families arguing to the point of having major 'falling outs' (when you get so angry with each other that there is threat of withdrawing love from a family member and/or abandoning the relationship). Last night, one of those situations occurred and a friend contacted me on QQ and asked my advice.
I asked the friend if I could share this story without revealing who they are. I said that I think that I could help others who faced similar situations. They completely agreed, of course without revealing their names.
Their situation arose where a son-in-law had disagreements with his wife and then got into a quarrel (argument) with his mother-in-law and father-in-law. In the end, the son-in-law threatened to cut off all relationship with his in laws and also to deny his in laws a relationship with his own daughter, their granddaughter.
Not only did the son-in-law threaten his wife's parents, but he has followed through with his threat and hasn't allowed his wife or his child to have any contact with his wife's parents in almost a year.
Now, let me say that I am a Westerner and Westerners are often viewed (by many but not all) Chinese as having weak family relations. The truth is, our family relations are not any weaker than what some Chinese (like the ones in the situation I've just described above) have.
The first question my friend asked me was, "Michael, what do you do when you get into a quarrel with your family?" I said, "I don't know." They said, "Well what about when you quarrel with your mother or one of your siblings (brother or sister)?" I said, "I don't know." He said, "Well, what would you do if you got into an argument with your in laws when you were married?" I said, "I don't know." He said, "What do you mean that you don't know?" I said, "Well, I never got into a quarrel with my in-laws, my mother or my siblings." He said, "Be serious, Michael. I need some help with this situation." I said, "I am serious. I never quarreled with mother, brother, sister, father-in-law, mother-in-law or brother-in-law. At least not in my adult life (since I turned 18 years old)." My friend found it hard to believe that I never did any of these things. I suppose (I really don't know; Ha!) that many people wouldn't believe that an entire family could maintain a such a level of peace, harmony, respect and love. The truth is, my family doesn't do those things.
You may wonder 'why' we don't do that. Well, I never really thought about 'why' we don't do that. But I do know, we don't. So, I did the most logical thing I could think of. I asked my mother 'why' we don't quarrel, argue, fight and have such situations. Some people believe that if you don't argue, quarrel and fight, then, you don't care enough. I would say that my family cares very deeply for each other and love each other and express our love to each other, very often. We don't believe that you have to quarrel, argue and fight in order to show that you care and that you love the other. Instead, we show that we love, care and respect each other by, well, loving, caring and respecting each other.
Here's what my mother said when I asked her about 'why' we don't do these things.
"It's just not a practice we have ever participated in. We had rather walk away and let others be who the are. Not in an arrogant way but just time wise, we don't spend time with it. We can discuss things but we don't have to be the one who knows everything or always wins or just have to be right. Not intimidated by others understanding or knowledge. We can look at them in honestly and respect others without making a point or scene about it. We can be still. Be friendly and still not totally agree with everyone...I guess that's most of it ? It's really none of my business what others do, it is my responsibility how I act or react to things that may upset me for whatever the reason. That's the True Test. Smile and listen ! Keep your mouth shut, and prevent tragedy and or high blood pressure. We all don't agree with our own family sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that, But we try to keep peace with them all. Now that takes practice and thought. People for the most part do not realize the peace and healing you receive from learning how to say No without making trouble for others. Love is showing Respect not opinions. None have perfected this trait But some of us are still trying to unlearn ways that Do not work Or which do not show respect or Real Love. How do WE Truly Want to be treated ourselves? Love, Respect, And Kindness. Fruits of a Heart filled with true Love for yourself And other people. We All have "Feelings ". . Respect that ! Don't punish others for Feeling different than you. They have that right . We can Grow or Stay the Same in our understanding ."
I would add to that, "O.k. My mother, Dorothy Murphy, is the one responsible for me being the way I am. She's my mother and more by her actions than her words, she has taught me to live in peace, harmony and happiness with others. I can add one thing to what she has said though she said it extremely well. The one thing I'd add is, 'chosen intelligence.' I think we are smart enough to know how to get along, respect each other, be open to others points of view, not 'awfulizing' or 'absoluting' anything regarding our opinion and realizing our own fallibility. I guess one other thing I'd say is, realizing that most issues just aren't that important. Love, respect, happiness and harmony is supreme."
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