You might be in China if...

You might be in China if...
chinaguy14 Jan 03, 2015 18:28

I've written this humorous commentary on the many oddities and peculiarities, some of which are more subtle than others, that China has to offer. These cultural observations are intended to create a rise, maybe even a chuckle or two out of the reader, but not to be offensive. Some things are of course slightly embellished or exaggerated, but you get the idea. I encourage others to share in their experiences as a streaming commentary would make for an even more thorough and entertaining read.  Enjoy.

You might be in China if...

 

1) Shopping for groceries becomes a trip through the Twilight Zone. Remember that creepy '60's show? I swear that theme music plays in my head everytime I walk by aisle after aisle of weird stuff; Where else but China can you find a 6-foot-high heaping pile of smelly, dried squid? Do you like your squid whole or flossed? China's got you covered. In fact, China's got the edge on meat flossings, pork, squid, fish - you name it! Do you have a desire to vomit yet? A sweet donut topped with shaved pork should do the trick! If not, grab a fresh fish head or two, then wash it down with a glutinous rice drink or "corn juice".

 

I digress. Although it's an odd drink, I can stomach corn juice. I'm from Pennsylvania, a huge producer and manufacturer of corn in the U.S., yet I've never once in my life drank it.  Perhaps we can market that tasty, corny beverage back home. Food for thought.

 

2) Everyone seems to be yelling. Still on the grocery store theme here, but the country's loudness truly applies to all areas. Someone needs to seriously stop giving microphones to the extremely L-0-U-D attendants at grocery stores and shopping centers. When miked-up, they sound like obnoxious auctioneers trying to make a quick buck. Hey, word of advice. If you tone it down a notch, I might just try your yogurt sample. Screaming at me repetitively about your product in a language I clearly don't understand won't get me to buy it any faster.

 

The same loudness problem also applies to Chinese people talking on their phones. Honestly, "talking" is probably a stretch. I've heard megaphones quieter sounding than an irrate Chinese person on the phone. Perhaps it's just a cultural thing. I lived in Thailand before, where they tend to be very soft-spoken. The U.S. is probably somewhere in the middle. I guess, China has an excuse. They live in big, overcrowded cities and need to get somewhere NOW! Or perhaps it's those darn pork shavings that causes them to become loud. "Hey Paul, Can you believe I just ate pork shavings on my dessert?"

 

3) You're a weirdo for wanting an iced beverage. Ok, so maybe this is more of an American pet peeve of mine. I know Europeans, especially Germans, are into room temperature drinks, but the Chinese are at the complete opposite end of the hot-cold spectrum of beverage drinkers.

 

In fact, they have these large devices in stores called "coolers" that seem to do everything except cool your beverage. I think they protect them from the cold. They should rename them warmers. It's a more fitting name.

Most Chinese enjoy drinking hot tea on hot summer days. A former colleague of mine, a native Chinese, spoke on behalf of the country when she said they feel that warm beverages are healthier for your body and immune system. Fair enough. I doubt that is medically accurate, but I get it. I come from the mindset that when it's hot out, you drink something cold and vice-versa.  Last year I taught in Shenzhen in southern China where it's even hotter, yet iced drinks are not any more prevalent there than they are here in Nanjing. Just goes to show you; 5000 years of tradition doesn't change overnight.

 

4) You are forced to buy a VPN to communicate with friends back home. It's bad enough that the internet is mindnumbingly slow, but now we're forced to pay for using Google, Youtube and Facebook!  That stinks. Is Mark Zuckerberg half-Chinese or there a conspiracy going on here? I say foreigners should be allowed to use VPNs for free if we agree to consume at least 5 donuts with pork shavings per month and drink 5 warm beverages on hot and humid days.  Remember, it's all about bartering and haggling here in China!

 

5) You start your day by dodging motorcycles on sidewalks. Rules are rules, but apparently they don't apply to traffic in Nanjing. There were at least two times where I thought I'd die on the way to school in the morning. I see these bikes, most of which travel on the wrong side of the sidewalk divider,  bobbing and weaving around pedestrians like they're taking their driver's exam. "Sidewalk" in China is a suspect term for a slab of concrete few walk on and mostly bikes roam.

 

I wonder what a Robert Frost poem would have looked like had he grown up in urban Nanjing instead of rural New England.  It probably would have started something like this ...

 

Two motorbikes diverged on a dirty sidewalk.

 

And sorry I could not live past both.

 

In conclusion, it's been an interesting ride to say the least. For all the complaining I may do, I'm here teaching English in China and enjoying every moment of this rather eye-opening experience. I hope you've enjoyed some thoughts I've shared and I welcome you all to add some more flavor to my small, but growing list of cultural observations...

 

-Christopher D. Dean - English teacher (Nanjing, China)

 

 

Tags:Travel Food Language & Culture Expat Rants & Advice Expat Tales

4 Comments

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silverbutton1

you hear lip smacking and/or slurping when at a restaurant. you have to dodge the little boy who almost pissed on your shoe. you get "assistance" from some stranger who seems to think you dont know how to use an escalator. you get annoyed when people pile into the elevator before they let the people already in there out. I could go on, and on.

Mar 13, 2015 10:24 Report Abuse

mrdoug

Well said !!! Ya the nuttiness can get to you , but then try to find the humour in it Like the Ferrari parked outside McDonalds while the wife runs in for her Big Mac. Or the endless Chanel knock-offs I see each day and try to take pics of ( I have friend who works for Chanel , makes her mental haha)

Mar 05, 2015 09:52 Report Abuse

Guest2781358

lols

Feb 20, 2015 16:44 Report Abuse

coineineagh

Nice theme. You might be a redneck if you... have at least 5 relatives that sell clothes. You might be a Red Guard if you... buy foreign milk powder instead of breastfeed your baby.

Jan 14, 2015 16:59 Report Abuse