The Lonely Life of a Transient Expat

The Lonely Life of a Transient Expat
CAStafford Sep 30, 2014 18:05

I've heard Beijing being described as a "transient" city. It's because people come here to make money, and then go on their merry way, back to where they came from, back to the place where they REALLY want to be. And for the most part, transient people are young people, typically in their early to mid 20's, going on a grand adventure to explore the world before they settle down, while they earn a living any way they can. In China, one of the best ways to earn money if you're a foreigner is to teach English, which just so happens to be my chosen profession, but most of the teachers I meet only do it to make money and nothing more. So the people keep coming and going, not really wanting to make the world's (now second to New Delhi) most polluted city their home. I can't really blame them, because I don't want to make the world's second most polluted city my home, either. However, if it weren't for the pollution, Beijing would almost be an ideal place to live, so I'm trying to make the best of it. After all, not every day is gray and gloomy.

 

As for me, just one of the transients among thousands (maybe millions?), I'm finding myself in a state of depression more often these days. I'm not sure what triggers it, but one moment I will be just fine, and then I burst into tears. People here will say, "Don't think more." I guess I think too much, and I shouldn't do that. Others will tell me to go out and find something fun to do. This sounds like great advice, until I realize I'm alone, which triggers another bout of tears and often a slight bit of panic.

 

One of the biggest problems I have living in Beijing is the lack of people I meet who are my own age. Having been recently divorced after a 21 year marriage, I've come to the conclusion that I live in fear of traveling alone. I've talked to my friends who are single and ask them how they do it. They reply with a smile and a twinkle in their eye, reminiscing of the lovely time they had in Thailand, or Hong Kong, or Tokyo experiencing the food, the culture, the people. But for me, the the thought of going to Thailand, or Hong Kong or Tokyo by myself is a big deal because I'm afraid I'll get lost and frustrated and won't be able to communicate with somebody to help me out of my predicament. Why? Because it's happened before, right here in Beijing! Just finding the right train (or the door to enter the train station, for that matter!) can be grounds for a meltdown. I'm also afraid of getting yelled at by a Chinese person. This has also happened before, but it's actually less painful than not being able to find my way around. Chinese people have a way of making you feel like an idiot just for being human. There's just something in the tone that says, "Why are you so stupid? Don't you know anything?!!" Maybe that's not what they're saying, or even thinking, but that's how it comes across.

 

So I set off to find things to do in Beijing. Perhaps join a group of other expats for activities and outings where I don't have to be alone or do all the planning or make all the decisions myself. But what I find is that almost every activity takes place on a weekend. The problem with this is that I work on the weekends and get Monday and Tuesday off. At first, I thought having these two days off was great. You avoid the crowds, right?! You and all your new expat friends have the whole city to yourself! Yes, indeed, until the months pass and you find your fellow transient friends trickling back to their own beloved corners of the world, while you are left on Monday and Tuesday to find things to do.....alone.

 

So I put a classified ad on the local expat website, looking for a date. I've had hundreds of views, and less than ten responses. Half of the responses are from men wanting to have sex, and not having any problem telling me this right up front, sometimes in great detail, even though my ad states that I'm not looking for sex, so please don't respond to my ad if that's what you're after.  The others who say they're not looking for sex either, still are, they just don't want to come right out and say it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do have some really great friends here in Beijing, almost all under the age of 30. (When I say "almost", I mean I have one friend over the age of 30). Some of them refer to me as "mom", which I know should give me a warm, fuzzy sort of feeling, but deep down just makes me feel old. Maybe I should learn to embrace the fact that I have new "kids" who  take care of me. But right now I just feel like a scared little girl, and sometimes very alone, in this city of over 21 million people.

Tags:Relationships Expat Rants & Advice Expat Tales

10 Comments

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coineineagh

I also came to China after a divorce. It probably doesn't compare entirely with you because of our age difference, but still somewhat similar. I came here to meet my new love, and was willing to be happy with anything. If you've been shaken down for everything you're worth, and wasted years of your youth (youth = a relative concept) on a bad girl, you become willing to make a desperate move (to China). My girl is great, but the culture of this country is so amoral and corrupt, that it was impossible to ignore. It makes me wish I had convinced her to be more patient, and wait for Dutch immigration to approve her entry. Well, now I have 2 young sons who brighten my day, and my in-laws are making sure everything I save goes into a mortgage. My work sucks, this country sucks, life is hard, but it's all rewarding.

Oct 25, 2014 18:40 Report Abuse

sorrel

I can understand the challenge of finding like-minded friends in Beijing, especially if you don't conform to the expected norm of an expat. Finding you groove can be challenging. My first contract was in Beijing and like yourself a Monday and Tuesday off. I spent the time visiting tourist sights, which are a lot more bearable off-season. I also do some online study. Don't rely too much on your local work colleagues as this can result in too much invasion of privacy. I also found local guys quite sleazy, only looking to score for bragging rights. Things will come together for you - it is getting to that point that is discouraging. Good luck.

Oct 15, 2014 23:33 Report Abuse

royceH

Good luck, lady. The life of an expat here has its challenges for sure. And its joys. Stick with it...perhaps move to a smaller city. I live in a place of only several hundred thousand and would definitely recommend it. Pretty clean, lots of flowers, not too much traffic...much better to be out and about in on your bike than Beijing!

Oct 13, 2014 19:53 Report Abuse

CAStafford

Thanks for your response. Actually, I love riding my bikes around Beijing. For me, t's one of the highlights of living here! :)

Oct 18, 2014 12:59 Report Abuse

Spiderboenz

It sounds like you created an "expat bubble." Have you considered making Chinese friends? The world is a lot less confusing when you have friends who speak the language and understand the culture. QQ and Wechat are two IM apps that can help introduce you to new people; 75% of the people that I know in China I met through either wechat or QQ. And consider yourself lucky, I live in a relatively small city where I am pretty sure that I am the only foreigner.

Oct 11, 2014 13:50 Report Abuse

CAStafford

I have some great Chinese friends.

Oct 14, 2014 14:42 Report Abuse

CAStafford

Thanks for your reply. Actually, I put this blog out for other lonely expats. Yes, it's my story, but I knew there were others (like you) who might find comfort in knowing there's someone else out there who feels the same. I'm not afraid of the negativity. Just observing. :) Hang in there!

Oct 12, 2014 09:21 Report Abuse

Surfiet

Aw man that's really sad. If it's really that bad, why not just bite the bullet and go elsewhere? Ain't no reason to think any less of yourself for moving on. Mondays and Tuesdays that really sucks. Ditch that ishnit!

Oct 09, 2014 21:58 Report Abuse