I want to tell you about recent experiences of weddings attended in China.

 

 

The first, a wedding we went to a few weeks ago.  

 

 

Well, it was a disgrace.  Or a wonderfully exciting and powerful occasion, depending on how you like your bread buttered.

Me, I don't go much for poncing about in front of the Jones's (at least, I don't think I do...) so I put this wedding firmly into the disgrace basket.

 

 

In case you don't know, this is how a Chinese wedding goes......

 

 

First you sit down with both sets of parents and write down the names of everyone you've ever met, even if you've only ever met them once, for 5 minutes.   This, as you would realise, can run to quite an extensive list and generally takes a fair amount of time.  

 

 

As far as I can tell, this is the major reason weddings don't typically take place until a long time after the people actually get married.  Sometimes years after.

 

 

No matter, as the actual process of becoming legally married is very secondary in China.  Only THE WEDDING PARTY matters!  

And that can't take place until the list of names can be completed.  An exhaustive process given that the parents of the bride and groom are generally not spring chickens, and have to recall names of people met long, long ago.

 

 

After the list of names of people to be invited is drawn up they don't actually invite them until the week before the wedding party is to take place.  This is because if they do, the invitee's will use this as an excuse not to attend, citing forgetfulness. So the crafty beggars send the invitations out the week before (disregarding any posibility an invitee might actually have other plans), and these invitations cannot be refused, for any reason.  

 

To offer an excuse for not attending would result in such a loss of face that the person would become ostracised from the general community.  Their familys', too.

 

 

You see, face, and the preservation of it, is the single most driving force of life in this country.  

 

 

Except for the accrual of wealth, by however means possible.  By hook or by crook...wealth must be accrued.  

But!, I hear you say, if wealth be accrued by crook then surely, if discovered, that of itself would result in a loss of face.  WRONG!!!

To accrue wealth by lying and cheating others is to be seen as massively, stupendously brilliant!  

 

 

And one's stature in the community can grow, and they can have much face.

 

[An anecdote for you...a person pays the bill in the restaurant and discovers they've been accidentally undercharged, the person brings this to the attention of the cashier who realises the error and redoes the bill.  The person pays the correct amount, thanks the person for the meal and the service, and leaves.  The cashier tells everyone about the stupid foreigner who's just does this...it can only be a foreigner, as no Chinese would ever do such a thing... and everyone in the restaurant; staff and customers alike, laugh and joke about the stupidity of the foreigner.  The foreigner has now lost all of their face.  (Except the foreigner doesn't play this ridiculous and dishonest game and marches on with their face fully intact.)

 

 

 No matter that had the foreigner not done this honest thing the cashier would've had to make up the shortfall out of their hopelessly inadequate salary, be fined a further week's pay, and been taken out and beaten mercilessly.  The cashier's face, and the faces of all else in the restaurant are preserved.  The foreigner has no face...what a loser...such a stupid laowei.  Not long now before we, Zhongguo, Chairman Mao, before we take over the world!  USA, bu hao...Japan, bu hao.  Etc, etc...]

 

 

But back to the wedding party...

 

 

Photos are then taken.  Ridiculous photos.  Photos some of which are 3 metres tall. Photos that cost RMB 10,000, which, for the people in this particular wedding, is two months salary.  

 

 

So, as I've pointed out, once invited, attendance is compulsory.  And so is the need to pay money to the happy couple.  The amount of which is logged into a register upon entering the way over the top, festooned function hall.  

 

 

If the amount of money doesn't reach expectations, loss of face.  All this money is then taken by whoever paid for the show.

 

 

At the wedding we attended there were upwards of 400 guests (suckers).  

The groom told me the show cost RMB100,000 (avg monthly salary in China is 3,000).

 

 

(My wife's best guess, based on many years of experience, is that the avg amount of money paid by invitees would be between 4 and 500.  Some quick maths will tell you that a lot of money was extorted, thanks to the face system.)

 

 

Chinese weddings are typically held in the early afternoon and go for only 90 minutes.  

 

 

And no grog, unless you call the national drink, baijiu, grog.  For most clear thinking people the use of baijiu should be restricted to farm machinery only.

 

 

So we went, dutifully paid the expected amount given our standing in the pecking order, bought our own beer as it wasn't provided (just me, not the wife), watched the extravaganza,  (the stars of which were not the bride and groom, oh no...but their respective bosses, their glorious leaders), picked at some food, and left.  Exactly 90 minutes after arriving.  In fact, I was enjoying the beer that I'd had to send out for when we were told the show was over and we had to leave...NOW.  

 

 

This is Chinese style...somebody high up (the Grandest Leader) gives a nod and all the others' follow.  The nod it was over meant LEAVE.  NOW! 

Relief.

 

 

Of course I wish the happy (and now much richer) couple a long and happy life together.

 

 

Two days ago we attended another wedding.  But this time with some enthusiasm, as it was a Uyghir wedding.  And talk about different!

 

 

No random guest list of a cast of thousands...There were about 100 guests present.  

 

 

We were invited, not because of my white face, but, because the bride is my wife's close friend.

 

 

It was, I'm informed, a typically traditional affair.  The bride arrived fashionably late while the groom sat at the head table and waited.  Meanwhile everyone else present hoed into food and drink.

 

 

Finally, with much fanfare, the bride rocks up escorted by her beautiful hand-maidens.  She had to keep her head lowered under her veil until later on when the veil was lifted by the groom's mother and replaced with one more colourful.

 

 

Then she could look people in the eye and display her obvious delight.

  

 

Formalities done with, which were traditional and very cultural in a Central Asian kind of way, the evening soon burst into a music filled time of spontaneous dancing and continued eating.  

 

 

Nothing seemed to be stage managed, an aspect of the above mentioned Han wedding that was so apparent.

 

 

And oh, the food!  Abundant, and very delicious.  Not Chinese.

 

 

Old and young, everyone was up and dancing.  And they can all really dance!

 

 

(If you haven't seen Uyghir dancing before do yourself a favour and check it out.)

 

 

As far as I could ascertain, everyone was genuinely happy to be there.  They didn't seem to be into face at all.

 

 

And no 90 minute order to get out!  No.  People stayed on until after midnight

 

 

Given Uyghir people are Muslim there was no alcohol available (that I saw) but they insisted on providing me with beer as they were aware of my predelection for it.  Chilled too!

 

 

Most appreciated.

 

 

As for a wedding gift, we gave a Hongbao.  My wife, who is Chinese, thought this would be best and I am happy if she is happy.  But we asked around, before and during the wedding, and found that many people gave an actual present, and some nothing at all.  

 

 

To me (rightly or wrongly), this is more evidence of a lack of face culture amongst this ethnic group.

 

 

That's my tale of two weddings.  One got a thumbs up, and the other one didn't.

 

 

I look forward to attending one of these style weddings again in the future.

 The other style, no.

 

 

Footnote;  1) We've been invited to another wedding (Han) later this week (a distant work colleague who is barely known by me, and unknown by my wife) for which we are hatching a plan to get out of town.

 

 

And, 2) The groom from the first wedding mentioned above has just bought himself a 300,000 Yuan motor car.  And his face is very huge.